


How am I supposed to stop myself (from loving you)

by Merlins_little_sister



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Arwen - Freeform, Characters in their 30's, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Life, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, Guilt, Love at First Sight, M/M, Marriage, Merthur - Freeform, Modern Era, Non-English Source, Work In Progress, falling in love with someone else
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29540589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merlins_little_sister/pseuds/Merlins_little_sister
Summary: When Arthur and Merlin meet, it's love at first sight. There is only one problem, Arthur is a married man, who loves his wife and intends to be faithful to his promises. Will true love be able to find a way, despite all the odds?
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 28





	1. Arthur

**Author's Note:**

> [Many thanks to my wonderful beta ursus-mari!](https://www.tumbex.com/ursus-mari.tumblr/posts)
> 
> This story has been on my mind for a very long time, and I am so happy that I finally got my stuff together and started writing it. I promise, I will upload the remaining chapters soon. They are in my head, I just have to bring them onto [virtual] paper.   
> One thing before we start. I'm not sure if there will be a happy ending for everyone in this story. I don't make any promises. 
> 
> The title is taken from Calum Scott's wonderful song: Stop myself (Only Human).
> 
> You can find me on tumblr under @waiting4thedoctor.

_ 'What happens, when you meet the love of your life, but you are already married?'  _

The question is written on the title page of some magazine. It's a shitty magazine, one of those that are not well researched. Arthur sees it on his way to work, when he passes a tiny store. However good the question may be, there is no chance that this magazine would give him a satisfying answer to it. Arthur doesn't bother to buy the magazine, even though it's a catchy question. He doesn't even look at it a second time, but it's one of these questions that stick. 

'You get divorced,' he thinks. It's easy, isn't it? At least if there aren't any children. Arthur pushes the thought away. There is no way that could happen to him anyway. Arthur loves his wife, and he is happy in his marriage. Gwen is his rock. She makes Arthur a better man. 

Arthur smiles when he thinks of Gwen. They are planning to start a family soon. It's time now. Arthur just turned 30, he has a good job and so does Gwen, which means that they are financially stable. That's a necessity if you want children, isn't it? A baby would make their life complete. 

When Arthur enters his office building, he is happy. He doesn't know that his life will be turned upside down in 10 minutes. He doesn't know that it will never be the same again. 

Arthur glances at his watch. 15 minutes until the morning meeting begins. They are getting a new co-worker today. Some specialist from Ireland who will teach them something about a new software of some sorts. It's supposed to speed up their work immensely. The guy will be there for half a year. Hopefully, he will be nice. Arthur doesn't want to spend half a year listening to some douchebag who thinks he is better because he knows a little more about  _ something _ . 

Arthur gives the entrance woman a friendly nod and gets into the elevator before she can start a conversation with him. It's not that Arthur doesn't like her, she is very nice, but she is also very chatty and Arthur doesn't want to be late for the meeting. 

When he arrives at his floor, he goes directly to the kitchen to prepare himself a coffee, then he drops off his jacket and his bag at his desk. With his coffee in one hand, and a notebook in the other, he leaves for the conference room. 

The round table in the center of the room is filled with people already, but Arthur is lucky. He finds a good seat that allows him to see the board without having to twist his head uncomfortably for the duration of the meeting. 

It's 5 minutes to 8 o'clock when a young man enters the room. Arthur doesn't know him, so he assumes that this must be the new guy. His hair is pitch black, he has a short beard that covers a good part of his face and his ears are just a little too big. The man is wearing a button down shirt that highlights his muscular body. He is incredibly handsome, and for some reason, Arthur is unable to look away from him. 

"Good morning," the man starts. His voice is deep, and it has a nice flow to it. "My name is Merlin Emrys. Mr. Knight announced my presence, I assume?" 

Arthur forces himself to look at his boss. Leon Knight, a tall man with red locks, smiles friendly in response. 

"That's right. We are very happy that you will join our team for the next 6 month." Leon turns to the group. He is a good boss, Arthur has never had problems with him. More than that, he would even call him a friend. 

"Today's meeting will be brief. Mr. Emrys will introduce himself to us and present his work, then you can go and work normally for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, we'll start with the project-specific presentations."

Arthur nods, along with the rest of the team. Then he allows himself to look at the new man -- Mr. Emrys -- again. 

Arthur sees him fumbling with the pen in his hand. 

"Please, call me Merlin," he says. "If that's okay?" Merlin glances at Leon again. Arthur can tell that Merlin is incredibly nervous. Perhaps he is a nice guy, then. Leon nods reassuringly in response, then Merlin starts his presentation. 

Arthur ends up not taking notes at all during the meeting, which isn't that bad, since it's only an introductory session. He is completely fixated on Merlin, his movements, his voice, his blue eyes, the way his lips are moving when he speaks. Unable to look away, Arthur tries to smile at Merlin instead, but it comes out as much more flirtatious than he had intended. Merlin smirks back and Arthur's heart jumps a bit. 

They go on like this for the rest of the meeting. When Arthur leaves the room afterwards, he makes sure that his shoulders bump lightly into Merlin's. 

"Any chance that you can show me where I get a decent coffee around here?" Merlin asks him. 

"Sure," Arthur tries to sound casual when he responds. Then he extends his hand. "I'm Arthur, by the way. Follow me."

Arthur leads them to the coffee shop that's just across the street. They buy their stuff and sit down on a little bench in front of the coffee shop. Their knees are bumping into each other. 

“Is this your first time in the city?” Arthur asks Merlin. 

“Yes. I arrived here two days ago.” Merlin looks up at Arthur. “I’ve already done the must-see tourist stuff yesterday.” Merlin laughs. It’s a friendly laugh that makes Merlin’s eyes sparkle. “But you could show me around if you know any special places?” He smirks and leans over to bump their shoulders together. Arthur’s heart jumps again.

“I’d love to show you around,” he hears himself saying. He hands his phone over to Merlin. “If you give me your number, we can arrange something.”

Merlin beams at him. “Sure,” and quickly types in his number. Then he hits the call button until his own phone vibrates. “There you go.”

Right when he wants to hand the phone back over to Arthur, it starts ringing. 

“Who is Gwen?” Merlin says. 

“My wife,” Arthur responds and refuses the call. “I’ll call her back later. She loves leaving voicemails.”

“Your wife,” Merlin stutters. He looks a little taken aback, but only for a moment. Then the smile is back on his face. “She looks nice. How long have you been married?”

“8 years.”

Merlin fumbles a little with the cup that he is holding in his hands. Suddenly, there is an awkward silence between them. One that wasn't there before. Arthur tries to think of something to say, but his head is empty. 

“Let’s go back to the office, shall we?” Merlin says then. Arthur can’t help but feel disappointed, so he just nods. 

The rest of the day passes rather quickly. Arthur and Merlin go their own ways, but Arthur can’t really focus on anything. His mind keeps drifting off to Merlin and their shared coffee, and how their knees bumped into each other. It’s easy to talk to Merlin. 

When Arthur leaves for home that evening, he feels lost, even though the feeling doesn’t make any sense. Saying that Arthur feels confused would be a huge understatement. He tells Gwen that he has a headache, which isn't even a lie, and lets her tuck him into bed. Arthur loves Gwen so much for her kindness and her trust. Gwen is nice and gentle, as always. But somehow, that only makes things worse today. 

Five times, he types a message to Merlin into his phone after Gwen has left the room, but he deletes all of them again. Arthur feels incredibly guilty, even though he did nothing wrong. 

'I had a coffee with a colleague,' he keeps telling himself. 'Stop being so paranoid.' 

Before he falls asleep, he types another message and hits send before he can change his mind again. 

_ >>Are you free Friday night? They show LOTR at the riverbank cinema. - Arthur _


	2. Merlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin responds to Arthur's message and has a mini crisis over his crush on a married man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun with this short chapter. :)

Merlin stares at Arthur's message, unsure how to respond. He had seen the riverbank on his stroll through the inner city. It's an amazing place, though certainly not one that he would have picked out for someone who is  _ just  _ a colleague. Merlin imagines that it looks incredible when the sun disappears behind the horizon, very romantic probably. 

He tosses the phone aside and sits down on his bed, thinking about the events of the day. It  _ was _ a rather eventful first day.

Merlin's thoughts wander back to his presentation, and how nervous he was before it. Half a year in a new city, with new colleagues; that's not an easy thing, because it means that you have to leave everything behind. You leave behind your own apartment, your family, your friends. On top of all that, Merlin doesn't feel like a specialist just because he has used the program for a little more than a year now. He certainly has a lot of experience, that's true, but will it be enough to ensure a successful project outcome for these people? Merlin had tried to stay calm and professional, to walk into the room with as much confidence as possible, though he isn't quite sure if his attempts were successful. 

And then Merlin had spotted this incredibly handsome blond man, whose looks had been so intensive that Merlin was sure the man was flirting with him. In his long life as a gay man, Merlin had never been in a situation like this. No man, no matter how handsome, had ever flirted with him so shamelessly in a professional environment. It had been rather challenging to stay focused. 

Merlin remembers how easy it was to talk to Arthur, almost as if they had been friends for ages. Coffee had sounded like such a great idea. But then Arthur's wife had called, and Merlin had felt incredibly stupid for missing the ring on Arthur's finger. Merlin shakes his head and buries it in his hands. 

For a moment he wonders if maybe he has imagined things with Arthur. Maybe Arthur is just a very affectionate man, who likes being close to other people. That is possible, right? Maybe he doesn’t mean to flirt with Merlin. Can it even be called flirting, if the person doesn't intend to flirt? 

With shaking hands, Merlin takes the phone and types an answer. 

_ >>LOTR is Lord of the Rings I assume? - Merlin _

The answer comes within seconds, and Merlin curses himself for feeling so happy. 

_ >>Don't tell me you’ve never seen it?! - Arthur _

_ >>I've read the books, does that count? - Merlin _

_ >>No! The book and the movie are not the same thing. - Arthur _

_ >>True. The books are better. - Merlin _

_ >>How do you know when you have never seen them?? - Arthur  _

Arthur has a point there. While thinking about a possible answer, Merlin switches out the lights in his apartment and crawls under the covers of his bed. It isn't even that late, but Merlin doesn't feel like staying up today. There aren't that many personal items in his new apartment either, so he couldn't do much besides watching something on his laptop or finding a new book to read online. Merlin realizes his apartment probably won't feel like home for at least a while longer, and he will end up having the same problem for at least the rest of the week. 

_ >>Alright. I'll join you. Am I going to meet your lovely wife? - Merlin _

Merlin lets his fingers hover over the send button for a second. It's a normal thing to ask your married friend right? Merlin startles at the thought. Funny, how he thinks of Arthur as a friend already, even though they know each other for less than 24 hours. The answer comes quickly. 

_ >>She's busy on Fridays. It's just you and me. :) :) - Arthur _

_ >>Great! When do you wanna meet? - Merlin _

_ >>It starts at 8. Meet you half past 7 there? - Arthur _

_ >>Looking forward to it! - Merlin _

_ >>Cool. It's a date then. CU! - Arthur _

Merlin stares at the conversation. A date. Surely Arthur doesn't mean it romantically? You can have dates with friends, right? Merlin shakes his head lightly. It's stupid to overthink this conversation just because Arthur is a man. Merlin would have never questioned the whole situation with a woman, so why does he feel so nervous about it? Maybe, he thinks to himself, because Arthur is a hot guy (and not a woman), and because Arthur is also married (and Merlin will not come between Arthur and his wife). Merlin is nervous because the whole situation is super strange. Or maybe it isn't strange at all. Arthur is most likely just friendly and this is Merlin being an idiot. An idiot who is about to develop a huge crush on a married man. 

Merlin groans and buries his face in the pillow. This should be so easy. Why must he always fall for the wrong men? 


	3. Cinema

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur have a wonderful night at the cinema.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even begin to tell you how much this chapter means to me. It may or may not be based on true events.

Friday comes quickly, and by the time it's there Arthur feels as if Merlin has been his colleague forever. Merlin fits so well into their team that Arthur actively has to remind himself that they have known Merlin for only a few days. Not only do they make good progress on their work project thanks to Merlin, but their personal relationship develops quickly as well. 

Merlin has an open and friendly personality which makes it easy to be around him. It seems as if Leon and his other coworkers have quite the same feeling. Every day, when Arthur comes home to Gwen, he has a lot of new stories to tell. Of course, it doesn't escape Gwen's notice that all of Arthur's stories seem to be built around his new coworker. 

When Arthur is standing in front of his closet on Friday evening, considering which clothes he should wear for his date with Merlin, Gwen watches him with an amused grin on her face. 

"You like him, don't you?" she asks. Arthur raises his head and looks at his wife with a quizzical expression. 

"Who? Merlin?"

"Yes," Gwen answers her husband. "Merlin, the only person you have been talking about all week." Gwen laughs and leans her head to the side. "I haven't seen you like this with anyone in a long time. He must be special." Arthur isn't sure what to respond to that for a while. Gwen is right, Arthur never had a friend like Merlin. None of his friends make him feel all excited and dizzy. None of his friends are on his mind 24/7. 

"He is." Arthur nods. "You'd like him. He is very funny." Gwen gives him a small smile, the meaning of which Arthur can't quite place, but then the moment is gone and Gwen looks completely happy again. 

"Then why don't you invite him over for dinner next week? I'd like to meet him. We can make some pasta, play some good old board games." 

Arthur loves the idea immediately. It's a perfect opportunity to have Merlin around, and he doesn't even need to suggest anything. 

"Sounds perfect," he says. Arthur beams from ear to ear. His skin prickles, and Arthur has to stop himself from shaking with anticipation. When Gwen leaves the room so that Arthur can finish dressing, he allows himself to breathe again. He has no idea why he is so nervous. For the millionth time, he checks his phone, and reads the last conversation he had with Merlin. There are no new messages, which is a good sign, since it means that Merlin doesn't want to cancel last minute. He puts on cologne, adjusts the collar of his shirt, and reaches for his bag. Before he leaves, he kisses Gwen goodbye. 

As expected, Arthur reaches the river bank cinema way too early. He is not surprised that Merlin isn't there yet, so he takes a stroll around the area to look at the movie posters. Arthur attempts to read the movie descriptions beneath the gigantic pictures, but he fails to comprehend the words that his eyes are reading. 

A good 10 minutes later, Merlin approaches the cinema, and it takes Arthur's breath away. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, and he hates himself for it. Merlin looks stunning. He is wearing white shorts that end just above his knees, paired with blue trainers and a blue button down shirt. The shirt is tight over his muscular chest and Arthur can practically hear the buttons aching. On his head, Merlin wears a black hat that highlights the dark color of his hair and beard, and makes his eyes pop. Arthur beams at him, unable to look away. Merlin beams back.

"Hi," both men breathe in unison. 

"How are you, Arthur?" Merlin adds after a second. He is fiddling with his hands, and Arthur wonders if Merlin is just as nervous as he is himself. 

"I'm good." Arthur responds. "I love your hat," he adds and raises his hand to touch it. When he remembers how that might look, he freezes, his hand still in midair, and fiddles with his collar instead.

"Thanks," Merlin says. Then he nods in the general direction of the entrance. "Do you wanna go inside?" 

They pay and enter the area. Their tickets allow them to pick whatever chairs they want, so they settle on some comfy armchairs in the middle of a row, not too close to the screen, but also not too far back. Even though Arthur has been here many times, he is always surprised by how comfortable the chairs are compared to other outdoor cinemas. Arthur already anticipates the sundown. From previous visits, he knows that it will look amazing. Time passes quickly. The two men chat for a while, and notice more and more people who are taking their seats around them. Arthur even remembers to forward Gwen's invitation. When he checks the time, there are only 10 minutes left until the movie starts. 

"I can get us something to drink," Arthur says. He sits up in his chair. 

"That sounds like a great idea, actually," Merlin responds. 

"Any wishes?" Arthur asks him when he gets up. 

"Something without alcohol, but apart from that I am not picky." Merlin smiles at him. "Thanks!" 

Arthur leaves his seat and heads for the bar area. A tall man with bright green hair greets him. His tag tells Arthur that his name is Callum, and he makes a mental note because Gwen is always looking out for nice names. 

"Hey, what can I get you?" He flashes a big smile at Arthur. 

"Two cokes, please." Arthur watches the guy -- Callum -- as he grabs two bottles from the fridge. He is handsome, not in the same way Merlin is, but still. Arthur admires people who are brave enough to dye their hair such a vivid color. He himself would never do that. Gwen talks about dying her hair sometimes, and Arthur wouldn't mind, but somehow he is glad that she doesn't. Black hair fits her best, in his opinion. 

Callum turns back to Arthur and hands him the order. "Anything else?" he asks, but Arthur shakes his head and pays. Before he can leave, Callum speaks again. "Can I ask you something?" 

Even though Arthur isn't quite sure what to expect, he says yes, because he doesn't want to be rude and Callum seems friendly. 

"Your friend --" he points at Merlin -- "are you two together, or dating or something? You seem to have quite the connection. " 

Arthur is frozen for a second, but he recovers quickly and pays the bloke a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "No, we are just… friends." 

"Oh!" Callum exclaims. He blushes a little, and glances at Merlin, then he looks back at Arthur. "Thanks, man."

When Arthur makes his way back to Merlin, he feels strange. The whole interaction can't have been much longer than 2 minutes, but it feels like he has been away from Merlin for far too long. Arthur hands Merlin the coke and makes sure that their hands brush in the process. 

"What happened," Merlin chuckles. "You are red as a tomato. Did he hit on you?" 

"Not really. He seemed to be more interested in you, actually."

"Really?" Now it's Merlin's turn to blush. Arthur thinks maybe he’ll turn around to make eye contact with Callum, but he doesn't. 

"And he thought you were my boyfriend," Arthur adds. He doesn't know why he tells Merlin that bit at all. It doesn't seem like a relevant piece of information. But it feels wrong not to tell him, somehow. Or maybe, Arthur knows exactly why is doing that. Maybe he just wants to see Merlin's reaction. 

Merlin doesn't even flinch. He doesn't look away, but instead straight into Arthur's eye. "What did you tell him?" Merlin's voice is deep, and it sends a shiver down Arthur's body. A part of Arthur imagines what it might be like to have this deep voice say other things to him. It's wrong, and Arthur knows he shouldn't, but he does. But right at that moment, the movie starts, so Merlin never gets his answer. 

They watch most of the movie in silence. It's a comfortable silence. Arthur knows the movie by heart, so he doesn't need to pay too much attention to keep up. From time to time, Merlin leans over to ask him a question. At these moments, their arms brush together, and Merlin's mouth is so close to his ear that Arthur can feel Merlin's breath on his skin. Even hours after the movie, when he is at home in the comfort of his own bed, he can still feel the spot where Merlin's arm had touched his own. He can still feel how prickly it made him feel. It's like his skin is on fire, and he is the only one who knows. 

That night, Arthur touches himself. He hasn't done that in a long time. His hands wander down his own body, while his mind replays the moments of the day. There is this nagging guilt in his gut, but he is unable to stop himself. All he can think about is Merlin. Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. Arthur falls straight asleep afterwards, he doesn't hear when Gwen comes into bed later at night.

When Arthur wakes up the following morning, with Gwen curled up next to him, he feels an enormous amount of disgust for himself. It's eating him up. Gwen doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve a man whose mind is busy thinking about someone else. He gets up and runs to the bathroom, where he vomits into the toilet. 

Something needs to happen. This has to stop, but he has no idea how.


	4. Meeting Gwen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin gets to know Gwen, which complicates the situation even further.

Merlin didn't expect to fall in love with Arthur so quickly. Yet, here he is, lying in his bed, replaying the evening at the cinema once again. He didn't mean to shamelessly flirt with a married man. But it's madness. Merlin just cannot seem to control himself when he is around Arthur. Was it necessary to lean so close over to Arthur when he needed to ask him a question about the movie? Definitely not. Outdoor cinemas aren't known for being the quietest of places, so whispering is merely a nice gesture towards the other people, but definitely not a necessity.

Merlin can distinctly remember how that smell of Arthur's cologne took him off guard. He remembers how their arms brushed together. He remembers how embarrassed Arthur looked after he came back from that bar bloke. If Arthur was any other man, Merlin would have sworn that Arthur was jealous. 

But it is straight up impossible that jealousy was the reason here. Arthur does not strike Merlin like that kind of man. The kind of man who flirts with someone so easily, despite being in a relationship. Merlin could be terribly wrong, of course, and Arthur is exactly that kind of man. But some part of Merlin doubts that. It’s the way Arthur speaks of his wife, his voice so full of love and respect. Merlin wishes that someone would speak about him like that. And if he is completely honest with himself, he wants this someone to be Arthur. 

At the moment, Merlin can’t see a good way out of this situation. He will need to learn to contain himself around his new friend, or their newly found friendship will end as quickly as it started. Arthur is a nice guy. And Merlin is not going to ruin his marriage by seducing. Maybe it will get easier once he actually gets to know Gwen. 

Merlin reminds himself that he will, indeed, meet Gwen. He will meet her very soon. A cruel part of Merlin hopes that Arthur's wife is unfriendly or stupid, because it would make things a lot easier for them. Merlin wouldn't need to feel so guilty for flirting with her husband. 

Sleep does not come that night for Merlin, and he ends up watching a bunch of stupid movies instead. Over the course of the next few days, he tries to keep the interaction with Arthur as casual and professional as possible. For example, Merlin makes sure that there is always another person in the room when they talk to each other. When they go to the coffee shop during their breaks, he makes sure to drag some of their coworkers along with him as well, so that Arthur and Merlin don’t end up being alone. It’s hard, because being alone with Arthur feels natural, but Merlin knows that it’s the responsible thing to do. They still text though, a lot, about everything under the sun and nothing in particular.

When the day of the dinner comes, Merlin is nervous, and faced with the question of what to wear. On one hand, he wants to dress casual, because it’s going to be a casual evening with friends. On the other hand, however, he wants to make a good first impression. After trying on every single button down shirt in his closet, he settles on a short-sleeved button down shirt with a square pattern in rainbow colors, and pairs it with his usual white shorts and blue trainers. 

Arthur and Gwen's apartment is situated in a pretty apartment complex close to a tiny park. Merlin can spot a little playground. Kids are running over the grass, playing hide-and-seek, and Merlin can’t help but wonder why Gwen and Arthur don’t have kids already when they have been married for so long. Maybe they want to have kids, but it hasn’t worked yet. He knows that this is a common problem, because his best friend Freya was in the same situation when she and her husband tried to start a family. It took them almost 2 years, but now she is a happy mother of a beautiful baby boy. 

The door opens with a buzz and Merlin climbs up the flight of stairs to the second floor. In the doorway he is greeted by a beautiful black woman with a wide smile. 

“You must be Merlin,” she exclaims and extends her hand to him. “I’m Gwen.” Merlin instantly likes her. 

“Nice to meet you,” he answers and shakes her hand, before following her inside. 

“I have heard so much about you. Come in.” She points to a shelf in the corner. “Put your shoes over there, please.” Then she points to the different doors that lead away from the hallway. “Bathroom, living room, kitchen.” Merlin gets out of his shoes, then Gwen signals him to follow her into the kitchen, where Merlin finds Arthur standing at the stove. He is wearing an apron with lemons on it, and has headphones over his ears. Gwen walks over and touches his shoulder. Arthur startles a little and lifts one of his headphones up to hear her. 

“Honey,” she says, “Merlin is here.” Arthur's eyes widen as he spots Merlin standing in the doorway. A big smile appears on his face. 

"Hey," Arthur says. "Sorry I didn't hear you coming. I typically lose all sense of time when I am cooking."

"Hey," Merlin answers. His smile is equally bright, and he watches with joy as Arthur puts down the spoon and his headphones, and comes over to hug him tightly. Merlin breathes in Arthur's scent. He smells like soap, tomatoes, and basil. Arthur hugs him just a tiny bit too long. 

"Arthur is a very good cook," Gwen interrupts their greeting. 

"I can smell that," Merlin says. Then he reaches for his bag and pulls out a box of chocolate that he extends to Gwen. "Before I forget it, this is for you. Thanks for the invitation!" Gwen looks at him with surprise. 

"Thank you, Merlin. That's so kind!" She puts the chocolate down on the kitchen counter and starts setting up the table. 

"She has a big sweet tooth," Arthur says to Merlin, and both men grin. Gwen frowns a little, but doesn't object. 

"Nice apron, by the way," Merlin smirks at his friend. "Looks good on you." Bet it would look even better without any other clothes, he thinks, but doesn't say it, of course. Arthur blushes hard, almost as if he can read his mind. Merlin chuckles and leaves him to help Gwen. 

By the time they are set at the table, Merlin feels completely comfortable. They are having pasta with a homemade sauce whose name Merlin forgets the second Arthur tells him. It's extremely delicious, and Merlin has to fight the urge to moan every time he takes a bite. 

Gwen is easy to be around. She is a friendly personality, and Merlin can tell that he is very intelligent too. Over the course of the dinner, he learns that Gwen teaches at an elementary school, and it's the most fitting profession Merlin could have imagined for her. 

After the dinner, the three of them clean up together and move to the living room afterwards where they play 'Ticket to Ride'. Merlin has a wonderful time. He laughs more than he has the entire week. 

When their game is over, Gwen excuses herself to get an early night, claiming that she is tired. Merlin isn't quite sure if that means that he should leave now. He doesn't want to leave just yet, but Merlin understands that Gwen could want that. But she seems to sense his struggle.

"Please, Merlin. Stay as long as you want. Don't feel thrown out. It was a pleasure meeting you, and I am sure you two will have a wonderful time without me as well."

"Do you wanna play Twister?" Arthur asks him when Gwen is gone. 

At that moment, it seems like a wonderful idea. But it turns out that playing Twister with your unavailable crush isn't the cleverest thing. Soon their limbs are tangled in each other and both men are shaking with laughter. 

Suddenly, Merlin is well aware of how close Arthur's body is to his own, especially how close Arthur's leg is to his crotch. Merlin's pants start to feel incredibly tight, and he loses his balance and crashes to the floor where he comes to lie flat on his back. Arthur cheers above him. 

"I win!" he exclaims as he bends over Merlin, and the world slows down for a moment. The only thing Merlin sees are Arthur's light blue eyes right there in front of him. For a second, those eyes are flickering to his lips. Merlin blushes, and clears his throat before the situation can get out of hand. His heart is pounding in his chest, and he feels dizzy. All he wants is to raise his hand and pull Arthur down for a kiss. It would be so easy. 

Arthur clears his throat as well, then he sits up on the Twister board. Merlin does too. He isn't sure if he should address the almost kiss or not, so he waits for Arthur's reaction. 

"I'm sorry," Arthur says, his voice barely more than a whisper. All the weight of the world lies in this apology. 

"I think I should go home," Merlin says. He half expects that Arthur will protest, but it doesn't happen. 

"Right," is all Arthur says. 

"Arthur," Merlin goes on. He puts his hand on his friend's arm for a moment. "This was fun. I had a wonderful evening with you and Gwen. Give my love to her in the morning, okay?" Arthur doesn't respond, he only covers Merlin's hand with his own for a second and squeezes it lightly. 

Merlin can't stand seeing him so unhappy, but he can't tell him that he doesn't need to be sorry either. He cannot tell him that everything will be alright, because the truth is, it most likely won't be. Eventually, Arthur will have to make a decision. And eventually, Merlin will need to accept that Arthur is not going to pick him over the relationship that he had for over 8 years. Better to do that now, when nothing has happened between them.

When Merlin is finally home, he is close to crying. Somehow, and Merlin has no idea how, he has managed to turn a simple crush on a man that he has known for only a short while into a potentially life-changing problem. And on top of that, Gwen is a really nice person, and Merlin doesn't want to hurt her, which he will, if he doesn’t stop being in love with her husband.

Maybe it's a good thing that Merlin will be gone when these 6 month are over.


	5. The Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur spend a lovely afternoon at the lake where Merlin talks about his past, and Arthur stops lying to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta ursus-mari!  
> -  
> I will be honest with you, Merlin's past life wasn't in my plan for this scene, but it happened, and I don't regret a thing.
> 
> Come yell at me about Arthur's stupidity in the comments, or on tumblr. I'm @waiting4thedoctor there.

The evening of their almost kiss, as Arthur secretly labels it, is the day that he decides that things have to stop. Right now. Arthur cannot and will not be the kind of guy who ruins a perfectly good relationship because of a crush, so he simply decides that, whatever feelings he might have for Merlin, they will disappear eventually, when he does not act on them. 

His plan works out, sort of. Part of this is due to the fact that Merlin is a gentleman who would never ruin someone else's marriage; the other part is due to his own stubbornness and his inability to make life-changing decisions. Arthur manages to play a perfectly happy couple with Gwen for over three months. At least, Arthur thinks that he is fairly convincing. If Gwen notices the change in Arthur’s behavior after the board game night, how her husband is less concentrated than usual, less cheerful, how he often seems to be somewhere else when they have sex, then she is kind enough to not say anything. 

In these three month, many things happen. For one, there is their work project, which progresses at a very good pace. They are right on schedule, which is a thing that rarely happens in their business. For the most part, that is due to Merlin’s and Leon’s amazing teamwork as the project managers. Merlin fits right into the team, and Arthur knows that he is not the only one who will notice Merlin’s absence once Merlin goes back to his own company in just a little more than two months. 

The other thing that is happening is the close friendship that Arthur and Merlin are establishing. They are practically joined at the hip wherever they go, and their banter and joking insults are quickly becoming the trademark of their friendship. 

On some days, Arthur almost convinces himself that they are just friends, and that there is not this lingering affection between them, which they are trying to downplay by being just a little too tight. 

On other days, however, Arthur can't even stand being alone in the same room with Merlin, because he simply doesn't trust himself. He wants to push Merlin into the nearest wall and kiss him senseless. He wants to let his hands wander over the hair on Merlin's face. He wants to do so many things he shouldn't want, because the truth is that Arthur's feelings for Merlin seem to be only getting stronger with each passing day. The truth is that Arthur's plan to ignore his feelings doesn't actually work at all. Additionally, Merlin's eventual departure is only making things worse.

However, the most confusing thing is that Arthur genuinely loves Gwen as well. If Arthur could choose, he would choose to live happily ever after with both of them. But life isn't a fairy tale, and the decision that Arthur refuses to make will be made for him, eventually. 

One day, when the temperatures outside are slowly getting lower again, and the summer days are drifting off into the warm days of early fall, Arthur and Merlin meet up for a stroll around the lake. It's a beautiful afternoon, and Gwen is away for a check-up, which means that Merlin and Arthur get to spend some time alone. 

"Can I ask you something?" Merlin says. 

"Sure," Arthur answers. They are always asking each other personal stuff, and Merlin is always asking for permission, even though the answer is always yes. Arthur thinks it's kinda cute. 

"Who was your first love?" Merlin asks. Arthur doesn't need to think about it, and he is surprised that Merlin has to ask at all. 

"Gwen," he says. 

"That's cute." Merlin nods. "But I must admit that I am kinda surprised, I'd thought you might have had more relationships before Gwen."

Arthur laughs. "I had. But I didn't actually love any of them. Not really." He smirks at Merlin. "Why do you think that?" 

Merlin shrugs his shoulders. "You're handsome. That's why." Arthur can't help it, he blushes. It's not the first time someone has called him handsome, but it's the first time that he has heard it from Merlin. 

"Why are you single, Merlin?" Arthur knows it would be an inappropriate question for any other person, but their friendship is not normal, and by now he knows Merlin well enough to be sure that it's an okay thing to ask. 

"I was in a relationship, for a long time," Merlin answers. He stops and points to the grass. When they sit down, Arthur gets the feeling that this story is going to be longer that he imagined. The tone of Merlin's voice shifts. There is a heavier undertone than usual, just a hint of sadness. Suddenly, Arthur isn't quite sure anymore if he really wants to know the answer to his question. "His name was Will."

"What happened?" Arthur asks, when Merlin is silent again, obviously struggling to find the right words for what he has to say. 

"He died." Merlin's voice is surprisingly steady. "Will was a police officer, and he was shot while he was on duty, 5 years ago. He didn't make it to the hospital."

Arthur covers his mouth with his hand, he is so shocked, he even has to fight back tears. "Oh my God, that's awful. I'm so, so sorry." 

"It's okay," Merlin says. He covers Arthur's other hand with own, just for a moment. "I was in an awful place for a couple of years. Eventually, I found a new job, moved to another city, and started over. It's in the past. I had a couple of short relationships afterwards, but they were mostly for fun. For -- "Merlin glances sideways at Arthur -- "For sex. I didn't have actual feelings for someone in a long time, not until… Well." He blushes, and Arthur does too. He wonders what Merlin had meant to say, but he is pretty sure that he knows it. 'Not until I met you.' 

"Come here," Arthur says, and reaches out to pull Merlin into a hug, because he feels like that's what Merlin needs. Comfort. 

"I meant to tell you," Merlin said. "It just felt weird, and never the right moment."

"It's okay. Thanks for trusting me with this." Arthur lets go and Merlin sits back up straight. 

"Wanna swim?" Merlin asks. Arthur knows that this is the point where he has to make a decision. If he says no, they'll probably continue their stroll around the lake. Things will proceed the way they have for the last three months.

But he does not say no. Arthur nods. Because he wants to. And so they strip down to their underwear, and run into the lake. The cold water embraces Arthur and makes him feel light and free. 

He feels strong. He feels alive, which is a weird feeling when someone just told you about their dead ex-boyfriend. 

When he looks up, Merlin is swimming a little ahead of him, and Arthur quickly follows. They chase each other through the water. Every inch of Arthur yearns to touch Merlin, and it's almost impossible to ignore. With wide eyes, he watches the water drops that are running down on Merlin's face, along his jawline, and then how they drop onto his chest. Arthur watches how Merlin's muscles tense when he swims, how his lips are moving when he inhales, and how Merlin's lashes flutter when he blinks. 

Then, Merlin grabs Arthur's arm and pulls him underwater. When they come back to the surface, Merlin is directly in front of him. Arthur can feel himself going hard incredibly fast. Merlin's lips are a little swollen from the cold water. Arthur swallows, and licks his own lips. Merlin does too. Then he lets go and swims towards the shore. 

For a moment, Arthur hesitates before he follows his friend out of the water. He is still hard, and Merlin will definitely notice if he comes out of the lake now. But Arthur decides that he doesn't care. Maybe, he even wants Merlin to notice the effect that he is having on him. In his whole life, Arthur has never been this turned on by something so small. Every feeling seems to be stronger when it comes to Merlin. 

"Are you coming?" Merlin calls. He casually leans against a tree, still completely wet from the water, which is now running down his chest. Arthur finds himself unable to look away. He imagines himself licking the water off Merlin's body, and wonders which sounds the other man would produce if he actually did. Merlin has to know which effect he is having on him. 

"You will be my ruin," Arthur says as he steps out and walks to the other man. 

"What do you mean?" Merlin laughs, an innocent look on his face. Arthur can feel how his wet underwear clutches to his body. 

"I tried to not want you,” Arthur says and steps closer. He cups Merlin’s cheeks with his hands, and feels how the other man is immediately leaning into the touch. "I can’t stop thinking about you, Merlin. Ever since I first saw you, all I can think about is how  _ much _ I want you. And the longer you are a part of my life, the more I get to know you, the more I want to have you.” 

Merlin’s eyes are blue, so  _ incredibly _ blue, Arthur is sure he is about to drown in them. He feels his heart bumping in his chest. Merlin is all Arthur can see, all he can hear. So Arthur leans in and kisses Merlin on the mouth, closing the last bit of remaining distance between them. Finally. The kiss is rough and wanting at first, but it quickly turns into something soft and tender, as soon as Merlin kisses him back. He kisses him back! 

Arthur presses Merlin against the tree, and they keep kissing. He feels how Merlin’s hands come to rest on his butt, pulling Arthur closer ever so gently. Arthur's hard cock is pressed against Merlin's, and he wants to touch him so badly. When they finally break apart to breathe, Arthur rests his forehead against Merlin’s. 

“What are we doing, Arthur?” Merlin says. 

“I don’t know.” Arthur shakes his head. He doesn’t want to think about what he has done. Not right away. He wants to enjoy this moment just a little longer. 

“What about Gwen?” Merlin continues. 

“I will tell her,” Arthur answers. It’s the truth. He really wants to tell Gwen. “No more lying. No hiding. We will find a solution for this.” He closes his eyes and breathes in Merlin’s scent one last time before he pulls away. It doesn't matter how much he wants to take this further. He has to talk to Gwen first. Arthur steps away and starts to dry himself with his shirt. Merlin looks lost, as if he desperately wants to believe that Arthur is going to talk to Gwen, but actually doesn’t. Arthur can’t blame him. He wouldn’t be the first man on this planet who promises his lover that he will talk to his wife, but then never does. 

“Are you sure?” Merlin asks, while he gets out of his wet underwear and into his dry jeans. Arthur just nods and walks over to Merlin again. 

“Even if you decide that you don't want me, I have to do this. For myself. Because, lying and cheating, that is not the kind of husband I want to be,” Arthur says. “Gwen doesn’t deserve that.” He wraps his arms around Merlin’s waist, and pulls him into a hug again. They kiss again. How can something feel so amazing while being so wrong? 

When Arthur gets home that evening, Gwen is sitting at the kitchen table, nervously drumming her fingers to the surface. In front of her is a small white envelope.

“There is something I need to tell you,” they both blurt at the same time. 

“You first,” Arthur says, and sits down across from his wife. 

“Well,” Gwen says. A nervous smile is playing around her lips. Then she slides the envelope over to Arthur. “Open it.”

Arthur takes the envelope and turns it around. It’s not properly closed, so he can easily retrieve the content. Inside, he finds an ultrasound picture. There is Gwen's name on it, and today's date. It’s not much to see, only a small white bubble, but Arthur gets the message anyway. 

“I’m pregnant,” Gwen says, confirming what Arthur doesn't want to process. Tears are running down her cheeks, but she is smiling. “You are going to be a father, Arthur.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm already working on the next chapter. I try to update as soon as possible, but I have a job, so be patient with me.


	6. Talking to Gwen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arthur and Gwen have an open conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks again to my lovely beta. <3 
> 
> This took me longer than it should have, and I'm sorry for that. But it took me a while until I was able to accept Arthur's future and write it down.

Gwen looks at him with a mixture of happiness and confusion. Arthur can't blame her. His reaction is probably not at all what she expected. For a moment, he wonders what his reaction could have been like had he not met Merlin in the first place. Happy laughter, probably. Maybe even tears of joy. But here he is, unable to comprehend what is happening. 

"Arthur?" Gwen asks. Her voice is growing worried, probably because Arthur has been completely silent since she told him that they are expecting a child. Arthur's eyes are fixated on the paper in front of him, the ultrasound picture that should make him happier than anything else. But instead of happiness, guilt makes up most of what Arthur feels. 

He, Arthur Pendragon, is going to be a father, and he starts off the relationship to his unborn child by falling in love with someone who is not the pregnant woman in question. Fantastic.

"Please," Gwen says. "Say something? Did you hear what I just told you?" Arthur knows that he has to respond eventually. 

"Yes," he says, slowly nodding his head. All his adult life, he had wanted to be a father. And Arthur still does want that. He is going to be a father, and he will be a better father than Uther Pendragon, who wasn't much of a father at all when he lived, because he blamed Arthur for the death of his wife. 

"Are you happy?" Gwen asks. Her voice is hopeful and a bit pleading. Arthur wonders how she felt when she found out. And how long she has known. It would probably be a good move to ask her, but he doesn't. 

"I am," Arthur responds finally, and wills himself to look Gwen into the eyes. And it's the truth. Amongst all the other feelings, happiness about the baby is one of them. 

"Then why do you not look happy?" Gwen asks gently. She places her hands in front of Arthur, and he holds them. They are like an anchor for Arthur, keeping him from drowning. "Is this about the thing you wanted to tell me?" 

Arthur nods again, unsure where to start. 

"Did something happen between you and Merlin? Did you fight?" 

"No, Gwen," he says. "We didn't fight. But something did happen." Arthur's thumbs draw circles onto the back of Gwen's hands. The motion calms him down, it reminds him what is at stake here. He has to chose his words carefully, because this might be his only chance to set things right. 

"You’re scaring me, Arthur," she says. "I've never seen you like this." And, oh God, this is exactly what Arthur didn't want. He didn't mean to hurt Gwen nor to scare her. But now he is doing both of these things. He is scaring her, and he is about to hurt her. Arthur is about to hurt the feelings of his pregnant wife, who doesn't deserve anything less than being treated like a goddess. 

"You know that I love you, right?" Arthur looks at his wife. His eyes are filled with honesty, but also desperation. "I love you, and this hasn't changed." Gwen nods. 

"But I think I love Merlin too," he adds with a nervous flutter in his stomach. Arthur said the thing he threatened to say for months. Now Gwen is the one who doesn't want to process. She doesn't understand what's going on, how could she. 

"What do you mean?" Gwen says, confused. Arthur can only hear the slight tremble in her voice because he has known her for such a long time. 

"I fell in love with Merlin the moment I saw him for the first time,” Arthur says and Gwen immediately takes her hands away from Arthur. He tries not to feel hurt, because that wouldn’t be fair. “I didn't want to. It just happened. But the moment he walked through the door, I felt that unbelievable urge to be with him.”

“I don’t understand,” Gwen says. She shakes her head, desperately trying to make sense out of what Arthur is saying. “Why are you telling me this now? Why today?”

“I tried to stop having feelings for him. I really did. I tried to be just friends with Merlin, because I couldn't imagine not having him in my life at all, and I didn't want to hurt you, because I love you. But I realized today that it's not that easy. I can’t stop myself from loving him.” Arthur holds on to the table in an effort to steady himself. 

“What happened today, Arthur?” Gwen says. Now her voice is really shaky, and she is fighting back tears. Arthur wants to go over and hug her, but he knows he shouldn’t. He needs to finish explaining this. 

“We kissed,” Arthur says. “I just… I don’t know. I can't fight it, Gwen. I'm sorry. I want both of you."

"You kissed Merlin," Gwen repeats. Tears are running down her face. "Today. At the lake?" Arthur nods. "Did you sleep with him?" 

"No," Arthur answers. "I could never betray you like that." He knows it's a silly thing to say, because he already betrayed her by kissing Merlin, but he doesn't have any better way of phrasing it. Gwen knows it too. She laughs a painful little laugh, that feels like a slap into Arthur's face. 

"But you want to, don't you? You want to sleep with him. Be honest with me," she asks. There is no point in denying it at this point. So Arthur doesn't. 

"I do," he says, and the pain he feels about it reflects on his face. 

"I believe you that you still love me, Arthur. I even believe you that you are happy about the child. But I think we both know that you never had feelings this strong for me. You love him more than me." Arthur and Gwen look at each other for a long moment. They both know that everything Gwen said is the truth, but it hurts so much. 

"I don't know what to do now, Gwen," Arthur admits. He doesn't want to lose Gwen, but he doesn't want to go back to a life without Merlin either. How would that even work? Would Arthur be able to go on with his life as if nothing happened? He doubts that he could ever forget the things Merlin made him feel by simply being there. 

Arthur closes his eyes, but it doesn't stop the tears from running down his cheeks. He can still feel the burning on his skin where Merlin's arm brushed against his own at the cinema. He can still feel how his whole body felt as if it was prickling when they kissed this afternoon. 

Gwen is right, she never made him feel like things like this. 

"Will you leave when he does?" Gwen asks, and the question momentarily takes Arthur's breath away. He hasn't even considered this option. But even if Merlin would want that too, he could never leave Gwen alone in her situation. 

"No," he says truthfully. "I won't leave you alone with the child. I promise I will be there for you and the baby, no matter what."

"I know," Gwen says. "But as long as we haven't found a solution to this, I think you should sleep on the couch." The hurt in her eyes is almost unbearable for Arthur, but it's fair. "I can't tell you with whom you want to be, Arthur."

"I want to be with both of you," Arthur cries. 

"We both know that's not going to work," Gwen says, and Arthur is stunned by how calm she appears suddenly.

"It does work for some people," he answers. 

"I'm not some people, Arthur." Gwen stands up from the table. "We both need to do some thinking. We are done here," she says and disappears into the bedroom without looking back. Arthur can't help but think that they are probably done with much more than just this conversation, and it saddens him deeply. 

Arthur just sits there at the table and thinks. He doesn't know for how long. After some time he makes his way to the couch, where he sits down. Arthur longs for a hug. But nobody is there to hug him, so he does the next best thing that comes to his mind and texts Merlin. 

_ >> I told Gwen. I told her about my feelings for you. Can we talk tomorrow after work? - Arthur  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only a few more things left to say in this story. In the next chapter we get some more Merthur madness, and a bit of drama, and then all that will be left is the epilogue. Stay tuned!


End file.
